My last hour before turning 25 I find myself reflecting on my life so far. Unfortunately, at the moment I am feeling very sad inside. I hope when I wake up tomorrow I feel more excitement. Thinking about my life so far and how I have been feeling lately is somewhat depressing for me. A lot has happened, and I have come so far yet feel somewhat dead inside. Normally this time of year I am beyond manic and pretty much out of my mind yet this year I seem to be somewhat depressed.
It’s frustrating because I do not want to feel this way, but I can’t seem to get out of this funk. Lately it seems like all my short comings have been thrown in my face and I feel like a terrible person. Even though I know that I am not a terrible person. I feel like I am letting down those closest to me and that I have just become a big disappointment. The past couple days I have been wondering what I am doing wrong and why I can’t seem to feel. Maybe it is trauma from this time of year forcing me to be numb. Maybe it’s because I have a premonition that something will happen to ruin my birthday yet again. Maybe it’s me not being able to face the reality that need to get my shit together and the fear of not being able to. Maybe it’s all the above.
I do not know what I can or need to do to try and make myself feel better. Part of me thinks I need to go through this struggle right now so I can grow through what I go through. When I am at my lowest and deserve it, the least is when I need the most love, compassion, and understanding. It feels like I am not getting that at the moment. Some of the people I am close to are telling me to calm down, which just makes me shut down and hold everything in, and to try harder to take care of myself. I feel like I am not allowed to be having a hard time and that I need to hide it. It’s incredibly lonely. I need someone to meet me where I am at, tell me that it’s OK, give me a big hug and just some extra compassion and understanding.
Due to my past bad history with birthdays I really do not feel like celebrating mine anymore. Maybe that is the trauma making me feel like I don’t deserve to celebrate my life. I know that is not true though. There is this constant war going on in my head between the bad, scary, self-destructive thoughts and my own truths that I hold. This battle is constant and is becoming unbearable. Slowly the dark side is winning. My truths about myself are becoming more and more fuzzy and seem to be slipping away.
My hopes for the next year are inner peace, healing, good health, strong recovery, flourishing relationships, financial stability, understanding, love, compassion, and self-acceptance and hope. These won’t all come at once, but I hope that the pieces slowly start falling together. This past week especially has tested my faith and made me question the hope I once had. Things will not get better overnight but I do believe that I have survived so many terrible things in the past 24 years, there is no way that 25 is going to break me.